CHAPTER 4 continued...

“I wrote this song after my friend made me a tape of rap songs with the goal of proving to me the merits of gangster rap. I listened to the tape but to me it seemed that all they ever did was ‘fuck and kill’. Now don’t get me wrong, I think there are some great rap artists out there, but this stuff was a bit gratuitous to say the least. Anyway, I realised that in all pop culture these days sex is seen as just that, sex. It was no longer making love. In fact, saying the phrase ‘making love’ is somewhat cringe inducing these days. It is something your parents used to say. This song is about dreaming of making love to someone special, not just having sex. It is simply called, ‘Tonight’ . ”

I began to sing the melody and soon I was again lost in the song. As I sang, I pictured the “beret” girl and me “ . . . lying together beneath contoured sheets . . . ”, as the song says. I sang that song with more passion, than I have ever sung it before. It felt, as if the song had been written especially for her, before I had even met her.

Soon the crowd’s applause pulled me back to reality. That’s when I realised what had happened. I couldn’t believe it. How did I not see this coming? I sat at the piano stool with . . . Eh, how can I put this nicely? Well, let’s just say that, I think my second brain had gotten a little excited during my performance. I was now sitting there with a nice big old ‘Statue of Liberty’ standing tall and proud in my pants. The only difference, with my ‘Statue of Liberty’ and the one in New York, was that mine wasn’t green and tourists had to pay a lot more than $5 to climb on top of it!

Anyway, this left me in a serious pickle. I was sitting down and because of my angle to the audience nobody could have noticed my predicament … yet. I could not, however, just stand up and go back to playing my guitar as I had planned to do. My mind raced faster than Usain Bolt on steroids. Beads of sweat had begun to drip down my forehead. I desperately tried to come up with ideas. What I could do?

I figured I had a few options:

1. I could stand up and act as if it were normal for musicians to get erections during their more passionate songs.

2. I could chat to the crowd and hope that the old lady got tired and would take a seat after a minute or so.

3. I could make up a song on the piano there and then by the end of which my erection would hopefully be gone.

4. Or, I could just finally run out of the place screaming like a little girl. I would then catch the first flight home to Ireland and forget that the whole thing ever happened.

None of these options were particularly appealing really. All of them had a high likelihood of me making an idiot of myself. The lights shining down on the stage seemed to intensify my unease.

“Eh... So...”

Just as I started to try and keep the crowd occupied, my saving grace came to the rescue in the form of none other than ‘Mr. President of the Chris de Burgh fan club’ himself, John the barman.

“Play ‘Lady in Red’!” His shout came from the bar.

I squinted, as I looked up from the piano. Through the glare of the lights, I could see John standing with two thumbs in the air wearing a stupid grin from ear to ear. The crowd began to laugh.

“Yeah play ‘Lady in Red’!” The shouts came in between the laughter that was now swelling throughout the crowd.

“You want me to play ‘Lady in Red’?” I asked in astonishment.

“Yeah!” The crowd shouted and clapped energetically.

I couldn’t believe it! John had saved me. Although I didn’t know exactly how to play it on the piano, I knew the words. I figured that I could work the chords out as I went along.

“Alright my friends, if you want ‘Lady in Red’, you got it!”

John had clearly almost wet himself, when he realised I was actually going to do it. In his mind, I was going to play one of the greatest love songs ever written. The first time I ran through the chord progression, I figured it out with minor mistakes. Then I just hit it. I sang as if I was born to sing that song. I sang as if every word meant the world to me.

“I’ve never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight,
never seen you shine so bright, took my breath away.”

I closed my eyes tight, as I sang every word. I rocked my head, as if I was singing the most intense song ever to be played at the Sweetwater. The crowd loved it!

“I’ve never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance,
they’re looking for a little romance, given half a chance”

I was now moving up and down off the seat, as I sang each line. As I worked up to the chorus, I stood up off the seat and kicked the stool over.

“Lady in reeeeeeeeed is dancing with me, cheek to cheek.” Every person in the whole room was singing along, even poor old Tom, who was still pining over his St. Bernard.

“Nobody knows, it’s just you and me, the way I wanna be but I hardly knooooow this beauty by my siiiiiiiide, I’ll never forget, the way you look tonight.”

I slowed it down again for the second verse. I was getting really close to the mike. I sang the words, as if I was about to burst into tears at any moment. I was barely touching the piano keys as I sang. The crowd fell totally silent. Then, as I came into the chorus, I hit it again and the place erupted.

“Lady in reeeed, is dancing with me, cheek to cheek,
nobody knows, it’s just you and me, the way I wanna be,
but I hardly knoooooow this beauty by my side,
I’ll never forget, the way you look toniiiight,
I’ll never forget, the way… you… look… to…night.”

The crowd jumped to their feet in applause.

“Thank you Sweetwater you have been brilliant! I hope to see you all again soon!”

The crowd continued to clap. I stood up and took a bow. I felt like the champion boxer. It was sensational. I looked over at John, who was actually crying. He actually had tears trickling down his bright red cheeks. I took another bow and walked off stage. Then from the kitchen, I could hear the chants.

“One more tune! One more tune! One more tune!”